Weekly Update for the week of 11/10/2017

Worship Preview:

#662 “Stand Up and Bless the Lord”
#396 “O Jesus, I Have Promised ”

Message: “What if Jesus is with the foolish bridesmaids?”
Scripture: Matthew 25:1-13 (Common English Bible)

25 “At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten young bridesmaids who took their lamps and went out to meet the groom. 2 Now five of them were wise, and the other five were foolish. 3 The foolish ones took their lamps but didn’t bring oil for them. 4 But the wise ones took their lamps and also brought containers of oil. 5 “When the groom was late in coming, they all became drowsy and went to sleep. 6 But at midnight there was a cry, ‘Look, the groom! Come out to meet him.’ 7 “Then all those bridesmaids got up and prepared their lamps. 8 But the foolish bridesmaids said to the wise ones, ‘Give us some of your oil, because our lamps have gone out.’ 9 “But the wise bridesmaids replied, ‘No, because if we share with you, there won’t be enough for our lamps and yours. We have a better idea. You go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves.’ 10 But while they were gone to buy oil, the groom came. Those who were ready went with him into the wedding. Then the door was shut.11 “Later the other bridesmaids came and said, ‘Lord, lord, open the door for us.’ 12 “But he replied, ‘I tell you the truth, I don’t know you.’ 13 “Therefore, keep alert, because you don’t know the day or the hour.

    Sunday, November 12, 3:00 pm Charge Conference at Clark’s Chapel in Weaverville, NC.
  • Sunday, November 19, 6:00pm Community Thanksgiving Service at
    Barnardsville Baptist Church. Bring finger food to share and
    canned food for the food bank.
  • Sunday, December 10th at 3:00pm Christmas Tea at BUMC!! There’s still time to join in. Let us know what you can do for the Tea!!
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Updates for the Week of October 23rd, 2017

Well it’s really rainy today, but we need the rain.  I hope you are warm and dry this rainy day.  We have lots of things going on for the next few weeks.  Join in and experience community together! I haven’t even really gotten past the Tea.  December will be busy!!

Helping Hands reports that they made $658.00 at the bake sale last Saturday.  Only in Barnardsville can bake sales do this well!!



  • October 25th, 6:30pm-8:00pm Hymn Rehearsal for Fifth Sunday at BUMC.
  • Friday-Saturday, October 27-28 Barnardsville Community Club
    Haunted Trail (money collected will go to fireworks fund).
  • October 29th 11:00 am Fifth Sunday!! Bring a covered dish and be ready to sing!!
  • October 29th 12:00 pm BUMC Council Meeting
  • Sunday, November 5th Communion Sunday (bring canned goods for the food bank) Special Music!!
  • Saturday, November 11, 4:00-6:00pm Poor Mans Supper at the fire station. This is to benefit the Boone family that lost their home to a house fire in October. To go plates at 3:30pm.
  • Sunday, November 12, 8:45am Barnardsville Men meet at
    Barnardsville Baptist Church
  • Sunday, November 19, 6:00pm Community Thanksgiving Service at
    Barnardsville Baptist Church. Bring finger food to share and
    canned food for the food bank.
  • Sunday, December 10th at 3:00pm Christmas Tea at BUMC!!  There’s still time to join in.  Let us know what you can do for the Tea!!


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Weekly Updates for the Week of October 9th, 2017

We bid a fond farewell to Bob and Sandra yesterday after the service.  Dinner was wonderful and we will all miss them very much.  We pray for safe travels and blessings on them in all their future travels and hope, one day, their travels will bring them back for a visit.

Thanks to McKenzie and Susan for bringing us a great worship time in song!  I thought you might enjoy hearing the music again:

Happenings and Events:

NOTE corrected dates on Fifth Sunday practice

  • Sunday, October 15, 8:45am Barnardsville Men’s Breakfast at Barnardsville UMC
  • Wednesday, October 18th, 2017 6:30-8:00pm We will have a Fifth Sunday hymn practice Wednesday night at the church beginning at 6:30 PM. We will learn some new hymns and talk about the stories behind these hymns. This practice will end promptly before 8 PM
  • Friday-Saturday, October 20-21 & Friday-Saturday, October 27-28 Barnardsville Community Club  “Haunted Trail”  money collected will go to fireworks fund.
  • Saturday, October 21 6:00am-10:00am at D&D’s Helping Hands Bake Sale money collected will fund Barnardsville Elementary School
  • Wednesday, October 25th, 2017 6:30-8:00pm Fifth Sunday hymn practice at BUMC
  • New Projects:

The Big Ivy Community Center has had their funding slashed by 25,000.00 this year.  We have also been informed that Manna Food Bank is sending less food than before and demand in the community is going up. As a result the stores in the food pantry have gotten very low.  We would like to propose an ongoing effort on the part of the Barnardsville Men and the churches of the Big Ivy area to keep the pantry stocked.  It has been proposed that every first Sunday we at Barnardsville UMC collect goods to send to the pantry.  This is not a temporary measure but an ongoing commitment. Paul will see the items delivered.  Other churches also are taking up this need and committing to helping our infirmed and elderly in the community get the food they need from the pantry.


I’ll send upcoming worship notes when I get them.

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Minutes from the BUMC Council Meeting of August 13, 2017

Sunday (8/13) we had a council meeting (with the largest council group ever) and here are some of the results:

Alycia encourages lay participation in the service, ie, lay
person read the scripture. A list will be passed out for folks to sign up for
that. Tim would like to see our youth involved. He suggested they attend
the Junaluska Annual Conference if they wish to let them see how that
aspect of the Methodist Church works. Alycia will put the Lord’s Prayer into
the service and it will be in different versions so will not sound the same
each Sunday. Birthdays and anniversaries will be recognized in the
beginning of service so folks can “pay up” in the little church bank at the
front of the church. It was recommended that Alycia head to the back of
the church near the end of the last hymn to give the benediction to give
folks at the back of the church an opportunity to greet her.

  • Tim’s Lay Servant Application renewal was approved.
  • We considered and approved a plan to renovate and replace the roof on the garage at the church-owned house.  We also plan to tear off the roof of the side shed, because it has become a hazard. Costs for materials $618 painted or $554 silver plus $200 or so for the wood, making the total somewhere around $800-$900 (padding that a little for unforeseen costs)
  • We discussed Worship styles and recommended the following practices:
    • continue responsive call to worship
    • benedictions will be pronounced from the back of the church to make sure everyone can be greeted by the pastor
    • general announcements with birthday announcements at the beginning of service
    • Prayer and praise requests before Pastoral prayer.
    • Lord’s prayer to be said after the Pastoral prayer.
    • Alleluia sung after Holy Communion
    • restart our practice of Scripture reading by congregants
    • Fifth Sunday will have short devotionals and a couple of songs
    • Fifth Sunday will be used to learn new songs (Wayne will head this plan up.) It was recommended that we learn /sing new hymns that
      Sunday. Wayne suggested that we meet on Wednesday evenings to
      practice these songs so we at least have an idea of the tune.
      Also discussed maybe having a shorter sermon those Sundays to go along
      with adding the fellowship meal. Next 5th Sunday- Oct 29th .
      5. Email list update- Tim passed around paper for people present to fill out
      with their contact information. Will be completed in next few weeks so we
      get everyone on the list. Tim will then make copies of BUMC contact list so
      we will each get a copy to ease communication
    • Communication was discussed with the following results:
      • new email lists will be compiled for the churches in the charge (this should happen every 2 years anyhow)
      • the email list(s) will be shared with everyone.  This will facilitate communication throughout the group when the webmaster/email person is unavailable, as well as encourage others to send out things of interest to the group(s) at large. This will facilitate networking.
      • the webpage authorship will be shared with the pastor. (It always is but no one has really taken full advantage of it yet)
      • facebook pages need updating and review.
      •  Suggestion that each Sunday sermon be available for those who are unable
        to attend church and still want to hear the message. Details to be worked
      • Discussed having more folks attend Annual Conference.  We will discuss this further in the months ahead.
      • Paul will make a copy of the church and house keys for the Pastor.

These minutes submitted by Mary and Tim.


if anyone has additions or corrections to the above minutes please contact Tim.

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Weekly Updates for the Week of August 27th, 2017

This past year I’ve been remiss in posting all the wonderful things that the church, the charge and the community have been busy doing.  I have kept the calendar up but I have not posted since Christmas 2016…shame on me.  So many bake sales and potlucks, Fifth Sundays, old pastors and new, many efforts to benefit the community from Helping Hands and the Barnardsville Men. You have all done so much!!

In July the Barnardsville Men (a group of men from many churches in the area) held a BBQ to benefit Bailey whose illness has become expensive and life-threatening.  The even raised $8,500.00 to help with medical expenses.

Also in July we said goodbye to our friend David Peeler and welcomed a new pastor, Alycia Johnson.  Please come and visit with us and get to know our new pastor.

On Sunday (8/13) we had a council meeting (with the largest council group ever!) Minutes to follow this post.

Please sign up for scripture reading!!  The scripture will be sent and posted here every Wednesday regardless of whether I have any other news.

Barnardsville Men had a breakfast this past Sunday (8/20.)  Here are the minutes to that meeting:

  • Barnardsville Men are sponsoring the counseling center st the church house. Addiction Counseling is scheduled to start Saturday Mornings in October. We will be creating a flyer and possibly a webpage.
  • Veterans group meets 10-12 Wed mornings at Big Ivy, tell anyone wanting fellowship or counseling about it.
  • 8,500,00 raised at the BBQ benefit for Bailey Willis’ treatment. This community is amazing!!  The God who put us here for each other is amazing!!
  • If you know of folks needing wood for the winter let us know. We will be talking to Lighthouse to see what they anticipate the community needs for wood will be this year.
  • Sept 17 at Antioch next men’s breakfast.
  • Thanksgiving service…what charity to benefit,…be thinking about this. Maybe our counseling service. Still planning where it will be held and who will preach.
  • Steve announced the BUMC Christmas Tea Dec. 10th. Call for musicians. Several folks who have done this in the past have prior engagements or have moved out of the area.  We need you!!
  • One family has been brought to our attention as needing housing.  Be in prayer about this.
  • Paul and Tim will work on creating a flyer for Barnardsville Men to send to churches.


The scriptures for Sunday, September 3rd are Exodus 3:1-15 and Romans 12:9-21.
The title for the message is “Standing on Holy Ground



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Weekly Update for the Week of December 6th, 2016


  • The Annual Christmas Tea will be held at
    Barnardsville UMC on December11th at 3:00pm
  • Christmas Eve Service will be held atnativity2
    Pleasant Gap UMC on December 24th at 5:00pm
  • Christmas Day Service  will be held at
    Barnardsville UMC at 11:00 am

Regular services will be held at all churches on New Years Day.

Outreach Opportunity:

Please send your Season’s Greetings to those in our congregation that are shut in this Christmastime. Contact Tim or Carla if you did not get an email with names and addresses.  Our folks would love a Christmas card!!


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Weekly Update for the Week of November 9, 2016

maryjFifth Sunday was great.  Lots of good food and Wayne’s Halloween party was a blast!


  • TODAY, Nov. 8: if you haven’t voted, please do.  Regardless of your choice, please go and let your voice be heard…besides it gives you fair griping rights for 4 years.  What is it “it is better to have voted and lost than not to have voted at all”…no that doesn’t seem quite right.  Well vote anyway…its good for you and its good for your country.

    Polls are open 6:30 AM–7:30 PM. You’re allowed to vote if you’re in line by 7:30 PM. Bring an accepted ID, if required

  • Sunday, November 13th, 2016 Barnardsville Men’s Breakfast at Barnardsville UMC
  • Sunday, November 13th, 2016 1:30pm Annual Charge Conference at Barnardsville UMC for the entire Charge. We will be voting on our slate of officers. We anticipate a short meeting.
  • Sunday, November 20th 2016 Community Thanksgiving Service:  place and time is being determined. Our charity this year will be Lumberton.  They are still trying to get back to normal after the hurricane.
  • Sunday, December 11th, 2016 3:00pm Christmas Tea
    If you have a song to sing, or a talent to share please contact Steve Carson.

Worship Notes:

This past Sunday we passed through the shadow of death (no I’m not talking about the election… that was the sermon.)  This Sunday we will be seeing what the scriptures say about heaven.  The next two Sundays following we will be looking into what the scriptures say about hell and then about resurrection.  For our advent David will be delivering a sermon series focusing on the Magi.

A Note from Amy Conard:

Stephen had his physical therapy evaluation Thursday and he did very well. He has essentially graduated from the physical therapy program. The next step is a visit to UPS on Tuesday during work hours to see how he handles the noise and stress. If he handles that well, he will start working 1 hour a day, and work his way up to the normal 4 hours. So good things are happening! He is also driving a little now. Also, thank you for all of the work and support regarding the fundraiser. We feel so blessed to have friends and family that would do this for us. I do not have the email address for your pastor or all of the men’s and women’s group members, so please feel free to pass this along to all of them, and to anybody else that I missed.




“It is no fault in others that the Methodist Church sends more soldiers to the field, more nurses to the hospitals, and more prayers to Heaven than any. God bless the Methodist Church. Bless all the churches and blessed be God, who in this our trial, giveth us the churches.” —Abraham Lincoln (shortly before his death in 1864)

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Update for the Week of October 26th, 2016


  • Last Saturday’s BBQ to benefit Steve Conard and his family raised $2,200.00  Thanks to the Barnardsville Men who planned and coordinated the event and thanks to all who shopped, cooked, served and attended the event. This is why we live in community. This is what Christian community is all about, caring for one another.  This is Church!!
  • Water to Lumberton really took on a life of its own (I was thinking of all kinds of water metaphors here…yes, you are welcome.) To date there have been 2 trucks full of bottled water that have been transported to the fire station in Lumberton for distribution.


    David tells us that Barnardsville has contributed something approaching 25% of the water.  Considering it is 100 times smaller than Central, that’s saying something.  Job well done!!  Joe Merrill at Antioch has involved the Rhododendron Society and they have contributed yet another pickup truck and trailer of bottled water that will be driven down to Lumberton this week. I am really pleased and proud that our community has put forth such an effort.


October 2016

  • Thursday, October 27th, 2016, 7:05 am Barnardsville Elementary School Teacher Appreciation Breakfast. Those who signed up for the event will meet in the parking lot at 7:05 am and take their food donations up to the teacher’s lounge. If you signed up and can’t make it that early please let Mary Johnson know and we will make arrangements to get your food donation.
  • October 28th & 29th, 2016. The scouts will be at the Haunted Trail at the Community Center this Friday and Saturday nights.  Come on out if you feel like getting scared silly and want to support the community center.
  • Sunday, October 30th, 2016 Service at all three churches: FIFTH SUNDAY!!  Bring some food to share and David will lead us in a congregational Sunday School lesson!

November 2016


  • Saturday,November 12th, 2016, 5:30 PM. Veteran’s Dinner at The Big Ivy Community Center. In appreciation of our veterans, the Community Center is hosting a dinner in their honor. Doors will open at the Big Ivy Community Center at 5:30 PM.  ALL veterans and their family are welcome.  RSVP to Lynn @ 626-3438.
  • Sunday, November 13th, 2016, 1:30 pm Annual Charge Conference at Barnardsville UMC.
  • November 20th, 2016, 8:45 Barnardsville Men Breakfast at Barnardsville UMC


  • Community Thanksgiving Service is in the works. David will let us know more soon.
  • Continuing Sermon Series on “What Happens When You Die?”  Don’t wait for it, come and find out now!!
  • Sermon Series at Advent will focus on the Magi.

For Your Consideration: Here is a good article on Repentance.  It is a word and perhaps a practice that has fallen into disuse and even disrepute.  Perhaps because many times we, as Christians, have beaten folks over the head with the concept.  Regardless, it remains the truest of Christian practices, the act of turning from our mistakes and turning towards Jesus.

Prayer Exercise: Try this Spiritual Types test. (I rather doubt it is particularly scientific,) but do it for fun and then check out ways to pray for your particular type.  I would say any of the methods for any “spiritual type” is a generally fine way to pray, and any could breathe a little more life into your prayer time. As you have time please check out the Upper Room’s Living Prayer Center for other modes of prayer and other ways to make your prayer time more meaningful this holiday season!


Have a great rest of your week! We look forward to seeing you all on Sunday!!



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Weekly Update for the Week of October 14, 2016

Greetings to all in the name of the risen Savior!

This Sunday the Barnardsville Men will host the men’s breakfast at Antioch Baptist Church at 8:45 am.

Saturday October 22, the Barnardsville Men will be hosting a Benefit BBQ doe Steve Conard and family from 3-6pm at Antioch Baptist Church.  Please help us help Steve and his family!



BRING BOTTLED WATER to church this Sunday!!!  This Sunday we have a rare opportunity to help our neighbors in Lumberton, NC.  I’m sure everyone is aware that the folks down east are having an awful time. Federal and State monies are slow in coming.  Millions of farm animals have been lost.  Many folks are homeless this week.  A couple of guys rented a truck and have asked churches in the Asheville area to fill it up with bottled water, jugs, bottles, whatever you like.  Central UMC is going to be the collection point and David Peeler and I will make sure it gets there (unless you bring a truck-full and then you should just let Central know).  Bring your bottled water to the service on Sunday and we will collect it.  The truck will leave Sunday afternoon so we will run it all to Central after the service.

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Weekly Update for the Week of the 4th of July 2016

  • July 10: Mary Magdalene will be the focus of the sermon this week.
  • Title “Mary Magdalene, Woman of Mystery.”
  • Scripture passage: John 20:1­-18.
  • Now on the first day of the week Mary Magdalene came to the tomb early, while it was still dark, and saw that the stone had been taken away from the tomb. 2 So she ran, and went to Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one whom Jesus loved, and said to them, “They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we do not know where they have laid him.” 3 Peter then came out with the other disciple, and they went toward the tomb. 4 They both ran, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first; 5 and stooping to look in, he saw the linen cloths lying there, but he did not go in. 6 Then Simon Peter came, following him, and went into the tomb; he saw the linen cloths lying, 7 and the napkin, which had been on his head, not lying with the linen cloths but rolled up in a place by itself. 8 Then the other disciple, who reached the tomb first, also went in, and he saw and believed; 9 for as yet they did not know the scripture, that he must rise from the dead. 10 Then the disciples went back to their homes.11 But Mary stood weeping outside the tomb, and as she wept she stooped to look into the tomb; 12 and she saw two angels in white, sitting where the body of Jesus had lain, one at the head and one at the feet. 13 They said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping?” She said to them, “Because they have taken away my Lord, and I do not know where they have laid him.” 14 Saying this, she turned round and saw Jesus standing, but she did not know that it was Jesus. 15 Jesus said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping? Whom do you seek?” Supposing him to be the gardener, she said to him, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have laid him, and I will take him away.” 16 Jesus said to her, “Mary.” She turned and said to him in Hebrew, “Rab-bo′ni!” (which means Teacher). 17 Jesus said to her, “Do not hold me, for I have not yet ascended to the Father; but go to my brethren and say to them, I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.” 18 Mary Mag′dalene went and said to the disciples, “I have seen the Lord”; and she told them that he had said these things to her.

His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ ~~Matthew 25:23


  • Saturday, July 9, 2016 11:00 am-2:00 pm: Doug Garrison , pastor of Jupiter Baptist       writes to let us know that they are selling BBQ, hamburgers and hot dogs. Proceeds to benefit the orphanage in Honduras, built and sponsored by The Carpenter’s Heart.
  • Sunday, July 17, 8:45 am. Barnardsville Men meet at Antioch Baptist Church.
  • Saturday, August 6 Helping Hands will be at the Rummage Sale at Big Ivy Community Center
  • Sunday, August 21, 8:45 am Barnardsville Men meet at BUMC.
  • Sunday, August 31, Fifth Sunday Celebration at all churches on the charge.

The Love offering last week to help Lewisburg UMC respond to the flooding in their town was $210.00!  Thanks to all who were able to give to such a worthy cause!

For those who would like to send in a contribution by mail directly to Lewisburg UMC please send it here:

memo: flood relief
make check out to Lewisburg United Methodist church
Lewisburg United Methodist church
1133 Washington St., East
Lewisburg, WVA 24901

It looks like everyone had fun on the float on the 4th!!

Garrison Keillor on Methodists:

July 4 Parade 6 Compressed

“they’d smile and row that boat ashore and up on the beach! And down the road!”

“We make fun of Methodists for their blandness, their excessive calm, their fear of giving offense, their lack of speed, and also for their secret fondness for macaroni and  cheese. But nobody sings like them….If you were to ask an audience in New York City, a relatively Methodistless place, to sing along on the chorus of ‘Michael row your boat ashore’ they would look daggers at you as if you had asked them to strip to their underwear. But if you do this with Methodists, they’d smile and row that boat ashore and up on the beach! And down the road!”

“Many Methodists are bred from childhood to sing in four-part harmony, a talent that comes from sitting on the lap of someone singing alto or tenor or bass and hearing the harmonic intervals by putting your little head against that person’s rib cage. Its natural for Methodists to sing in harmony. We are too modest to be soloists, too worldly to sing in unison. When you are singing in the key of C and you slide into the A7th and D7th chords,all two hundred of you, its an emotionally fulfilling moment. By our joining in harmony, we somehow promise that we will not forsake each other.”

July 4 Parade 5 Compressed“I do believe this: People, these Methodists, who love to sing in four-part harmony are the sort of people you could call up when you’re in deep distress. If you are dying, they will comfort you. If you are lonely, they will talk to you. And if you are hungry, they will give you tuna salad!”

‘Methodists believe in prayer, but would practically die if asked to pray out loud. “Methodists will usually follow the official liturgy, and will feel it is their way of suffering for their sins. You know you are a Methodist if when you watch Star Wars and they say ‘May the Force be with you,’ you instinctively respond ‘And also with you.’”

“Methodists think that the Bible forbids them from crossing the aisle while passing the peace. “

“Methodists believe in miracles and even expect miracles, especially during their stewardship visitation programs or when passing the plate.”

“Methodists believe their pastors will visit them in the hospital, even if they don’t notify them that they are there!”

“Methodists are willing to pay up to a dollar for a meal at church….They drink coffee as if it were the third Sacrament.”

“You will know you are a Methodist when its 100 degrees outside with 90% humidity and you still serve coffee after the service.”

“Methodists still serve jello in the proper liturgical color of the season and think that peas in a tuna casserole adds too much color.”

“Methodists feel guilty if they don’t stay to clean up after their own wedding reception in the Fellowship Hall.”

“You know you are a Methodist when doughnuts are a line item in the church budget, just like coffee.”

“You know you are a Methodist when it takes at least ten minutes to say goodbye!”

You Might Be A Methodist If..

  • You think John Wesley was the 13th Apostle.
  • You think God’s presence is strongest on the back three pews.
  • You think “Amazing Grace” is the national anthem.
  • Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.
  • You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.
  • You think worship music has to be loud.
  • You think Jesus actually used Welch’s grape juice and saltine crackers.
  • You judge the quality of a service by its length.
  • You ever wake up in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and interpret that feeling as a call to preach.
  • You believe that you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven.
  • You have never sung the third verse of any hymn.
  • You have ever put an IOU in the offering plate.
  • You think someone who says “Amen” while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic.
  • You complain that the pastor only works one day and then he works too long.
  • You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week.
  • You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School; you think the only promotion after that is the cemetery.
  • You are upset that Joshua brought down the wall of Jericho and think that the Board of Trustees should recommend that the church pay for it to prevent a general ruckus.
  • You are upset that the last hymn in the new hymnal is numbered “666.
  • You sit while singing “Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus”
  • You don’t take Rolaids when your heart is strangely warmed
  • You know that a circuit rider is not an electrical device
  • “The Upper Room” is as essential to your bathroom as the toilet paper
  • You’ve ever owned a pair of cross and flame boxer shorts
  • You’ve ever sung a gender-inclusive hymn
  • Tithing is encouraged but widely ignored
  • Half the people sitting in your pew lip-sync the words to the hymns
  • The word apportionment sends a chill down your spine
  • You realize pluralism isn’t a communicable disease
  • Names like Aldersgate, Asbury and Epworth are familiar
  • You consider the monthly potluck a sacrament
  • The only church camp song you know by heart is “Kum ba yah”
  • You’ve ever attended an Annual Conference and actually enjoyed it
  • You have an unexplained yearning to visit Wesley’s chapel in London
  • Your church is named for a geographical location rather than for a saint
  • You’ve never heard a sermon on Hell and don’t feel you’re missing out
  • You realize that VBS isn’t a sexually transmitted disease
  • Your pastor moves every four or five years and you like it that way
  • Your pastor responses to you with, “I hear you saying…”
  • There’s at least one person in every church meeting who says, “But we’ve never done it that way before”
  • Your congregation’s Christmas pageant include both boy and girl wise men
  • You accept the fact that the hymn, “O For a thousand tongues to sing” has almost as many stanzas as tongues
  • You know that the Wesleyan Quadrilateral isn’t a trick football play involving four lateral passes
  • You realize that the Book of Discipline is not a guide to getting you child to behave
  • You understand that an “appointment” has nothing to do with keeping a lunch date
  • You know “UMW” stands for United Methodist Women rather than the United Mine Workers
  • You know the difference between a “diagonal” minister and a “Diaconal” minister
  • “Good morning” has the status of a liturgical greeting in the worship service
  • You feel a twinge of guilt when you sing “Onward Christian Soldiers” with gusto
  • You say “trespasses” instead of “debts” in the Lord’s Prayer and have no idea why
  • Your annual conference spends most of its time debating resolutions that nobody reads
  • You’d rather be branded with a hot iron than serve on the Nominating Committee (or PPR, Trustees, Finance, etc)
  • You’ve ever sipped Welch’s grape juice out of a plastic shot glass during Communion
  • The members of the Friendship class are always fighting among themselves
  • You realize that sprinkling, pouring and immersing are not ways of seasoning food
  • You’re asked to donate money to a “special offering” every other Sunday
  • You pour over the Conference Journal with the same intensity you would read a John Grisham novel
  • You have to fight through a cadre of “designated greeters” to get into the sanctuary
  • When the worship service lasts for more than one hour the beeping of watch alarms drowns out the final hymn.”  ~Jeff Foxworthy







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